Can I Email Him?
Dr. Dominic Aquila responds to a post-mixer question. If you have anything you'd like to ask Dr. Aquila, email it to us!
Q. What is good post-mixer etiquette? Some camps say, “Girls, contact those boys!” Others say, “Don’t you dare initiate!” What’s a Christian girl supposed to do? It was a mixer and the ladies were provided the men’s contact information; does that make initiating contact permissible?
A. The normal (shall we say, historic) etiquette in dating relationships is for the man to contact the woman. He is responsible to be the initiator, inviter and pursuer. Some may challenge this notion as being old fashioned and out of step with the spirit of our age, but it is still a strong tradition of our culture. Because this is an expectation, I would urge Christian single men to be more proactive in pursuing relationships with Christian single women.
Now an important caveat: Since the question is dealing specifically with the Christian singles mixer, I believe the normal rules can be relaxed a bit in this instance. There was an implied expectation in organizing this mixer that either the men or the women attending could make the initial contact. This is one reason the information packet was set up as it was. The men’s packet had the contact information for the women who attended, and the women’s packet had the contact information for the men who attended. One of the instructions given at the beginning of the mixer was just this: that men or women could initiate the first contact either in person or by e-mail.
The mixer was a means of just “getting to know you.” If that introductory meeting piqued interest, then one or the other, male or female, could make the next contact to possibly begin “getting to know more about you.” Under these guidelines I believe it would be appropriate for a woman who attended the mixer to initiate contact with a man she found interesting and would like to learn more about. The same would be true of a man who desired to learn more about a woman who was at the mixer.
In another post I had mentioned that the Lord uses means to make his will known. The mixer was one of those means, and a good number of singles took advantage of it. All of us are responsible to place ourselves in circumstances where God can direct us in every area of life, and this includes seeking a spouse. There is a praying/waiting component in seeking God’s will, and there is also an active seeking/being available component. Both are important for healthy Christian living.
posted by Rocky Mountain Christian Singles Mixer @ 11:25 AM
8 Comments:
Besides the fact that it balks at traditional etiquette to initiate contact, it's also a little scary, intimidating or whatever you would call it to email him first. But you never know if you don't try. There is a difference between sending him an introductory email and asking him on a date. A new friendship might be worth taking a risk and tossing etiquette to the side.
Dr. A's thoughts on men pursuing women are really interesting to me because he talked about the cultural and historic significance of this. But what about biblically? Is it biblical for men to pursue women, and if so, does the structure of the blog encouraging both genders to pursue in the name of Christianity justify women pursuing the men?
I find Dr. A's thoughts on why men should pursue women interesting: "The normal (shall we say, historic) etiquette in dating relationships is for the man to contact the woman. He is responsible to be the initiator, inviter and pursuer."
What does this look like biblically? Isn't it biblical for men to pursue women?
And how does the mixer, in the context of having a very structured purpose of enabling Christians to find possible mates, play into that? If men should be pursuing women (which has always been my personal belief), why does the mixer allow for contradiction? It seems that the Christian setting should encourage the men to pursue the women in a safe environment that embraces those kinds of values, not justify the women having to go after men, just like we feel obligated to do in the secular world.
I agree with Dr. A and carmen. It seems to me that most of the reason why it's the man's "job" to contact the woman first is cultural and traditional. It is biblical for a man to be a leader in family and church situations, but just because a woman sends a first email doesn't mean she's taking away his leadership role. Lighten up, people; it's just an email.
Well said Frankie. Let's talk about Ruth. She made it very clear she needed a kinsman redeemer. I going to step out and say she might have initiated something there. As one of the female attendees, I sent an email... we'll see what happens, but there is no harm in showing interest.
First of all I believe we need to have a greater appreciateion for tradition. Not that we should worship it but look at all the great thing preserved by tradition that we take forgranted such as the threads of language or history. Without which where would we autonomous, individual, modern 'Christians' be? Might I further add that tradition also includes a tradition of revolution. Things do grow and change and they always have.
So, in fact tradition has said that the man should take headship and lead in marriage. In western civilization we have the luxury of a great many of our traditions being based on scripture, for in fact scripture indicates several times that the husband is the head of the household. Perhaps then the problems is this new state of singleness which we have created in modernity. In which dating is often not seen as a preparation for marriage but a sustainable system onto itself. If dating were truly the foundation of a marriage wouldn't you want to start with the roles in their proper place? I would gladly trade the wisdom of the past for our culture which can't even perform the most basic cultural responsibilities of getting married and having children. I believe 25% of marriageable people in this country are single and the birth rate is just a break even.
Initiating is a bit scary, a risk. Which is why ideally a true gentleman would initiate as his first act of protection, bearing the responsibility that comes with leadership.
On the other hand, I think the women could consider the fact that men showed up at the event and participated, as initiating and the email as but a response. Or perhaps on the par with that smile across the room which sparks his initiative in the first place.
In Christ,
Nicholas Turner
So....I'm interested to hear success stories! Does anyone have a good story to tell of meeting someone really great??
Dr. A., I agree with you that under the right circumstances, it is appropriate for the woman to initiate contact with the man. From what I observe, there are a lot of women out there waiting on the male to make the first move. Sadly, many of these women will be waiting a long time. When a woman initiates contact, she doesn't have to get the male to commit to a relationship. Rather, I suggest she just start a conversation and see where that leads.
These are the kinds of things I talk about in my blog for Christian singles. (http://mooskm.blogspot.com)
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