Boundaries...Who Needs 'Em?

A reader submitted the following question to Dr. Aquila. It's a good one! Dr. Aquila is President of New Geneva Seminary in Colorado Springs.

Q: I have trouble setting boundaries. I have realized this after attempt #2 has failed to have a relationship with my ex-boyfriend that results in wedded bliss. In the end, though some things improved, there was still the boundary problem. This is of course not how he saw it. From that I have a few questions. Is it true that men function so differently that they can not see how physical intimacy affects women? How can I as a Christian woman best explain this to a Christian man who seems to not get it? I need to be better at setting boundaries and keeping them. This has been an ongoing problem. It's not a problem when I am with a man who is well-disciplined in this area, but if I am with a man who is not, then it is a problem. What is your advice?

A: Your concern about boundaries is commendable. There are a number of reasons that professing believers struggle with boundaries, which is another way of saying wrestling with temptation. We must remember that we are sinners; redeemed, yes, but still sinners. Also, we live in a broken world (one of the consequences of the Fall) and this world's agenda is contrary to biblical norms. So here we are, redeemed sinners living in a fallen world, constantly being bombarded with ideas and images that tempt us. The ethic and behavior of our culture are focused on seeking one's own desires; it is definitely a "if it feels good, do it" mentality. So what are believers to do under these circumstances?

Our first obligation is always to Christ, which means that our attitude and actions should reflect the mind and heart of Christ. We are who we are because of God’s grace. God lovingly drew us to Christ and gave us the gift of eternal life. A genuine relationship was established with the living God.

God also changed us at the heart level. In other words, he didn't give us rules to change us; he didn't tell us to behave a certain way and then he would love and save us. God changes us from the inside (the heart) out (our behavior). What we believe informs and dictates how we behave. The truth deeply embedded in our hearts will affect how we view issues and live.

There are a number of helps that God has given believers to help us stand against the force and power of the world's system. (1) We have the Scriptures. Not only does God make his plan of salvation clear, he also gives specific direction to guide us in our lives (Psalm 119:105; Proverbs 3:5-6). (2) God has given us the Holy Spirit to lead us in the truth (John 16:13); we have real help from God's power source. (3) God has provided other believers to help us with issues, caring enough to hold us accountable (Galatians 5:1-5). And (4) We have the full armor of God with which we are able to fight against the devil's schemes (Ephesians 6:10-18). All of these provisions equip us to stand strong and prevail over the world seeking to squeeze us into its mold.

No matter what issues or temptations confront us, we remember that the Lord gave us new life by his grace. Now, if he gave us grace to begin the Christian life, he will continue to give us grace to live out the imperatives of the Christian life (Philippians 1:6). I like to put it this way: The God who gives grace is a moral God, so built into this grace is God's moral order that will direct our lives. Seen this way, we are liberated to honor God. Grace, indeed, is the foundation of our desire to follow God's moral principles in our lives.

With regard to your dating relationships, the principles stated above will guide you. You must have a clear sense of your boundaries ahead of time; you can't determine what they are in the midst of your dating relationships. With a strong biblical foundation, you live and relate confidently because you have a sure sense of ethical boundaries. You can be assured that God doesn't waffle on what is true; his ethical directives are the same for every generation.

The question of boundaries becomes, “Who sets the agenda for believers?” Is it the world with its selfish impulses or is it the Lord who has demonstrated his grace through Christ? As a professing believer you have been transformed by grace and are being conformed more and more to the image of your Savior. Knowing this is the best boundary you could ever have.