Dr. Aquila Answers a Question on Providence in Dating

Q. I have been receiving what appears to be conflicting counsel about my responsibility in seeking a spouse. Some have told me that as a woman I should just trust God's providence to bring the right man into my life. Others have said that I need to apply some effort in the process. Can you help me sort this out?

A. Let's begin with the bottom line: In his providence, God does plan all things, which also includes the means by which his plans will be fulfilled. For example, God designed us with a need for food; we cannot live without it. And he has promised to provide for his people. Yet, God does not plow the fields and sow the seeds to produce the food for us; he gives us the means to do all that. Even when God provided manna in the wilderness, the people still had to go and collect it. We have to have faith that God will provide and at the same time we have to exert effort consistent with God’s design.

If a farmer is lazy and does not take care of his field or vineyard, he cannot expect a fruitful harvest. In fact, here is an unflattering comment from Proverbs about a lazy farmer:

I went past the field of the sluggard, past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment; thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins. I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw: A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest—and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man (Prov. 24:30-34).

Paul stated this same principle in a more positive way, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” (Col. 3:23). Or again, “Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously” (II Cor. 9:6).

In the same way that the faithful farmer works diligently to make his land productive, all the while trusting the Lord for the right circumstances, so we work diligently to be productive in every area of our lives. This principle is true in our efforts to seek a spouse. While we trust God’s providential guidance, we take all appropriate measures to prepare and place ourselves where we can meet a potential spouse. Our confidence must always be in the Lord who directs our lives (Prov. 3:5-6).

God’s providence is not an excuse for slovenly, untoward, or sluggardly behavior. Believers are called and exhorted to righteous living, reflecting the redemptive effects of grace in their lives. As the hardworking farmer works to cultivate his field, so believers who are single work hard to cultivate their relationships with others. And, as in any area of Christian living, they live and relate confidently knowing that the Lord will make his will known in and through the ordinary course of life.

He Has a Name

Nic commented on my previous post:

You could argue that I should be out meeting someone new - I've tried that several times - but it's such hard work!

You're right, Nic, it is. And personally, while I appreciate the well-wishers who have come in the wake of my own latest relationship implosion, it would be helpful if they didn't say some of the very silly things that they have, in fact, said.

A sampling:

"Computers can't do what God can."
"Just brush him off and move on."
"He obviously wasn't worth it."
"You're so much better off without him."
"Just stop looking and wait on the Lord."
"You need to do what's right for you."
"On to the next one!"

This last statement I find especially offensive. I mean, seriously, can we dehumanize this situation, and this guy, any further? Saying "On to the next one!" is like telling a woman who has lost a child, "Well, you can always have more kids." Like they're a commodity...something easily replaced. Something lacking individual worth.

This guy is a real person. He has a face, a name, a job, a church home. I invested four months in getting to know him. He's smart and funny. I considered him a friend. Yet I had to sever that friendship. I had to! I'm not in this to gain more friends. Good grief, I can't keep up with the friends I have! So it's a loss, plain and simple. And it's a loss that I'll grieve.

Nic, I hear ya. It's tough. I feel silly enough admitting to folks that I'm in this online madness at all. But to have people insinuate I'm some kind of relational crack addict waiting for the next hit is especially painful. I'm doing what I can...and occasionally what I should. It's a process. And for now, I'm somewhere in the middle of it, muddling through.

We're Not Gonna Take It

It’s over. Another four-month pseudo-relationship that began online…finished.

It began well. His contact and my reply. So far, so good. A few emails were exchanged, and then we got on the phone. Three months of phone calls and emails led to his three-day visit to Colorado. We had a good time. But the past month has been spent in me asking where we’re going from here, if anywhere, and getting no satisfactory answer. A week ago I called him and put it on the line. I said if this didn’t have a future, I needed to walk. And I did.

He didn’t come after me.

I still don’t know what his issues are. He wouldn’t tell me. All I know is that he didn’t end things, even though I gave him ample opportunity. He wanted to continue talking on the phone. He wanted to keep up the email banter. He just didn’t want to define anything. He wanted to “figure things out.” I asked a friend how long this would have gone on had I not ended it. His reply? “A year, two years…maybe more.” Yuck.

Guys, I’m mad at you. And I don’t like being mad. I’m not a bitter, angry single girl. I’m a fun person. And I realize that women have their share of dysfunction, too. Someone else can blog on that at his or her leisure.

But I’ve had it. I’m fed up with guys who are supposedly looking for a relationship that leads to marriage, but they don’t know how to get the job done. I'm more and more convinced that an untold number of Christian men are in this camp. They sign up for online services, mixers, speed dating events, singles groups – you name it – but when it comes to the nuts and bolts of practically pursuing marriage, they’re clueless. Or fearful. Or unrealistic. Or a combination thereof. Many of the men with whom I’ve spoken – and there’s been a legion – still operate within the “God will provide/I’ll just have a feeling/the Lord will point her out to me” framework. In the meantime, they’re getting older, odder and more removed from reality with each mouse click, movie night or 80s party. But they’re still there…ready for the next serial online relationship or opportunity to “hang out” indefinitely with whomever is available.

And where does this leave the women? Glad you asked. We’re not blameless. We’re wasting precious time being pen pals and buddies with these guys, keeping them company in their lackluster, accountability-and-friendship-free lives and entertaining them with witty chit-chat, companionship and connection in hopes of it becoming something "more." When will it become so? When we're neighbors in the nursing home? When we're established in the New Jerusalem? Face it: we’re enabling them. We're living in a perpetual church youth group, and no one is going off to college.

One of my best friends has been talking to a guy on eHarmony for three months. You heard right – three months. And yes…they are still on eHarmony. She offered to give him her phone number, but he ignored her suggestion. Yet she likes him, she’s invested in him, so she’s allowing this to continue. She maintains her subscription to stay in touch with him! I understand completely. I’ve been there. But basically, she is paying to email this guy. Does anyone else have a problem with this? She deserves so much better! She and I have been talking recently about the courage it will take for her to call it quits. To put her foot down. It will be hard. As my sister says, “It shouldn’t have to come to this.” But it has.

Ladies, in case you still don’t get it, these "relationships" are going N-O-W-H-E-R-E, and we need to realize this sooner. Maybe it’s time to organize the Million Single Woman March. Let’s start making the signs now. We need to stop the madness! Women, unite! And guys, if you're not "in it to win it," get off the dating sites. Get out of the mixers. Stop messing around. Those of you who are directional and intentional, keep it up...and help your friends, ok? Let's make this a group project.

As far as my story is concerned, there’s just an overwhelming sadness. The fact that this guy liked me and thought I was a great girl means nothing. He’s a good guy, but realistically, he may never get married, and if he does, he will probably settle on several fronts. I'm sad that he has high hopes, but is stuck and doesn’t know how to get out (cue U2’s “Stuck in a Moment” here). He wants a relationship that’s easy, convenient, familiar, and requires no cost or concession on his part. He wants it to just “work out,” and he has past patterns to prove it. I wish him the best. Truly. But more than that, I hope – and pray – that God will grab him and show him what’s what. I hope that an older, wiser Christian man will come into his life and give him the facts. I hope he’ll realize that moving toward marriage is more than just “seeing what happens.” I hope that someday he’ll have the opportunity to put this into practice.

I hope and pray this for all single Christian men. Until then, enough is enough. They won’t have access to me. They won’t get my emotional and intellectual capital. They won’t use up my time and energy. They won’t “figure things out” on my dime.

Consider it my part in making future marriages happen…one ultimatum at a time.

Mixer Photographs

Rocky Mountain Christian Singles Mixer

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Thank you all for coming, praying and stepping out in faith.

Please keep checking back for more posts and updated information regarding our next event.

Can I Email Him?

Dr. Dominic Aquila responds to a post-mixer question. If you have anything you'd like to ask Dr. Aquila, email it to us!


Q. What is good post-mixer etiquette? Some camps say, “Girls, contact those boys!” Others say, “Don’t you dare initiate!” What’s a Christian girl supposed to do? It was a mixer and the ladies were provided the men’s contact information; does that make initiating contact permissible?

A. The normal (shall we say, historic) etiquette in dating relationships is for the man to contact the woman. He is responsible to be the initiator, inviter and pursuer. Some may challenge this notion as being old fashioned and out of step with the spirit of our age, but it is still a strong tradition of our culture. Because this is an expectation, I would urge Christian single men to be more proactive in pursuing relationships with Christian single women.

Now an important caveat: Since the question is dealing specifically with the Christian singles mixer, I believe the normal rules can be relaxed a bit in this instance. There was an implied expectation in organizing this mixer that either the men or the women attending could make the initial contact. This is one reason the information packet was set up as it was. The men’s packet had the contact information for the women who attended, and the women’s packet had the contact information for the men who attended. One of the instructions given at the beginning of the mixer was just this: that men or women could initiate the first contact either in person or by e-mail.

The mixer was a means of just “getting to know you.” If that introductory meeting piqued interest, then one or the other, male or female, could make the next contact to possibly begin “getting to know more about you.” Under these guidelines I believe it would be appropriate for a woman who attended the mixer to initiate contact with a man she found interesting and would like to learn more about. The same would be true of a man who desired to learn more about a woman who was at the mixer.

In another post I had mentioned that the Lord uses means to make his will known. The mixer was one of those means, and a good number of singles took advantage of it. All of us are responsible to place ourselves in circumstances where God can direct us in every area of life, and this includes seeking a spouse. There is a praying/waiting component in seeking God’s will, and there is also an active seeking/being available component. Both are important for healthy Christian living.

We've only just begun...

Well, the Rocky Mountain Christian Singles Mixer has come and gone. Sad, but true. Did everyone have a relatively painless experience? We hope so! Now that we've slept for more than two hours straight, the committee members would like to thank you all for a few things:

1) registering
2) actually showing up for the event
3) arriving sober
4) having an open mind and a willingness to give this whole thing a fair shake
5) participating with some overall ROCKIN' and hilarious responses during the speed dating portion
6) staying for the mixer
7) talking to people at the mixer
8) not destroying the chocolate fountain
9) not hitting on the married women/men
10) following up with people (we see that some of you are doing this already!)

We've only just begun. You need to start talking to us. Really, we want your feedback, so start commenting here! Boundless already blogged about the mixer this morning, and we'll continue to post right here countless ideas, stories, tips, you name it. Also be on the lookout for an evaluation to fill out with your impressions of the evening.

So who has the first story to tell? Is anyone married yet?!? Hehehe.

May the fun begin!

Tomorrow is the BIG Night!!!

After countless hours of prayer, networking and advertising, we are excited to say that we are FULL!!!! It is going to be an incredible evening with some of the most incredible people in Colorado Springs...and beyond.

Check back next week for pictures, updates and stories!!! If you missed out on this opporunity, keep checking for information regarding future events. Also, be sure to email us about getting on an email list.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!! Please be in prayer for those attending and those running the event.

May God Be Glorified!!

The Rocky Mountain Christian Singles Mixer Committee