He Has a Name

Nic commented on my previous post:

You could argue that I should be out meeting someone new - I've tried that several times - but it's such hard work!

You're right, Nic, it is. And personally, while I appreciate the well-wishers who have come in the wake of my own latest relationship implosion, it would be helpful if they didn't say some of the very silly things that they have, in fact, said.

A sampling:

"Computers can't do what God can."
"Just brush him off and move on."
"He obviously wasn't worth it."
"You're so much better off without him."
"Just stop looking and wait on the Lord."
"You need to do what's right for you."
"On to the next one!"

This last statement I find especially offensive. I mean, seriously, can we dehumanize this situation, and this guy, any further? Saying "On to the next one!" is like telling a woman who has lost a child, "Well, you can always have more kids." Like they're a commodity...something easily replaced. Something lacking individual worth.

This guy is a real person. He has a face, a name, a job, a church home. I invested four months in getting to know him. He's smart and funny. I considered him a friend. Yet I had to sever that friendship. I had to! I'm not in this to gain more friends. Good grief, I can't keep up with the friends I have! So it's a loss, plain and simple. And it's a loss that I'll grieve.

Nic, I hear ya. It's tough. I feel silly enough admitting to folks that I'm in this online madness at all. But to have people insinuate I'm some kind of relational crack addict waiting for the next hit is especially painful. I'm doing what I can...and occasionally what I should. It's a process. And for now, I'm somewhere in the middle of it, muddling through.

We're Not Gonna Take It

It’s over. Another four-month pseudo-relationship that began online…finished.

It began well. His contact and my reply. So far, so good. A few emails were exchanged, and then we got on the phone. Three months of phone calls and emails led to his three-day visit to Colorado. We had a good time. But the past month has been spent in me asking where we’re going from here, if anywhere, and getting no satisfactory answer. A week ago I called him and put it on the line. I said if this didn’t have a future, I needed to walk. And I did.

He didn’t come after me.

I still don’t know what his issues are. He wouldn’t tell me. All I know is that he didn’t end things, even though I gave him ample opportunity. He wanted to continue talking on the phone. He wanted to keep up the email banter. He just didn’t want to define anything. He wanted to “figure things out.” I asked a friend how long this would have gone on had I not ended it. His reply? “A year, two years…maybe more.” Yuck.

Guys, I’m mad at you. And I don’t like being mad. I’m not a bitter, angry single girl. I’m a fun person. And I realize that women have their share of dysfunction, too. Someone else can blog on that at his or her leisure.

But I’ve had it. I’m fed up with guys who are supposedly looking for a relationship that leads to marriage, but they don’t know how to get the job done. I'm more and more convinced that an untold number of Christian men are in this camp. They sign up for online services, mixers, speed dating events, singles groups – you name it – but when it comes to the nuts and bolts of practically pursuing marriage, they’re clueless. Or fearful. Or unrealistic. Or a combination thereof. Many of the men with whom I’ve spoken – and there’s been a legion – still operate within the “God will provide/I’ll just have a feeling/the Lord will point her out to me” framework. In the meantime, they’re getting older, odder and more removed from reality with each mouse click, movie night or 80s party. But they’re still there…ready for the next serial online relationship or opportunity to “hang out” indefinitely with whomever is available.

And where does this leave the women? Glad you asked. We’re not blameless. We’re wasting precious time being pen pals and buddies with these guys, keeping them company in their lackluster, accountability-and-friendship-free lives and entertaining them with witty chit-chat, companionship and connection in hopes of it becoming something "more." When will it become so? When we're neighbors in the nursing home? When we're established in the New Jerusalem? Face it: we’re enabling them. We're living in a perpetual church youth group, and no one is going off to college.

One of my best friends has been talking to a guy on eHarmony for three months. You heard right – three months. And yes…they are still on eHarmony. She offered to give him her phone number, but he ignored her suggestion. Yet she likes him, she’s invested in him, so she’s allowing this to continue. She maintains her subscription to stay in touch with him! I understand completely. I’ve been there. But basically, she is paying to email this guy. Does anyone else have a problem with this? She deserves so much better! She and I have been talking recently about the courage it will take for her to call it quits. To put her foot down. It will be hard. As my sister says, “It shouldn’t have to come to this.” But it has.

Ladies, in case you still don’t get it, these "relationships" are going N-O-W-H-E-R-E, and we need to realize this sooner. Maybe it’s time to organize the Million Single Woman March. Let’s start making the signs now. We need to stop the madness! Women, unite! And guys, if you're not "in it to win it," get off the dating sites. Get out of the mixers. Stop messing around. Those of you who are directional and intentional, keep it up...and help your friends, ok? Let's make this a group project.

As far as my story is concerned, there’s just an overwhelming sadness. The fact that this guy liked me and thought I was a great girl means nothing. He’s a good guy, but realistically, he may never get married, and if he does, he will probably settle on several fronts. I'm sad that he has high hopes, but is stuck and doesn’t know how to get out (cue U2’s “Stuck in a Moment” here). He wants a relationship that’s easy, convenient, familiar, and requires no cost or concession on his part. He wants it to just “work out,” and he has past patterns to prove it. I wish him the best. Truly. But more than that, I hope – and pray – that God will grab him and show him what’s what. I hope that an older, wiser Christian man will come into his life and give him the facts. I hope he’ll realize that moving toward marriage is more than just “seeing what happens.” I hope that someday he’ll have the opportunity to put this into practice.

I hope and pray this for all single Christian men. Until then, enough is enough. They won’t have access to me. They won’t get my emotional and intellectual capital. They won’t use up my time and energy. They won’t “figure things out” on my dime.

Consider it my part in making future marriages happen…one ultimatum at a time.